Its nothing new me discussing mental health on Chunky but Funky. Its becoming more and more of a prolific topic for me to discuss. That’s mainly due to it being something that personally affects me. I find it so soothing talking about it. When i say ‘talking about it’, I mean writing a load of stuff about feelings online that probably no one will ever read.
I’m a pretty open person in day-to-day life. I can discuss sexual exploits, embarrassing stories and so forth to no end. Yet when it comes to how I feel, or my mental wellbeing I totally freeze up and find it difficult to discuss. Some people I feel confident in explaining my feelings. So far thats being my closest of close best friends, and my current partner.
Now as the title suggests, this is about telling your partner about your mental health issues. Now in this relationship, its the most comfortable i’ve felt in discussing my emotions. I’ve never felt this okay with discussing my what i’m thinking with a partner before so that’s pretty damn good.
However, I havent told him everything. I find that there’s some bits I still can’t discuss. I’ve told him more about my past relationships, what happened and how they affected me. I’ve also mentioned about my self harming when I was younger, my suicide attempt several years ago and my ocd when it comes to organisation. Now there have been parts i’ve missed out. I’ve not mentioned my eating disorder that I struggle with each and every day. I’ve not mentioned how the fact he is so easy going and lax with plans that it makes me want to rip my own eyes out. I failed to mention that i’m so insecure about myself, and that inside i’m so jealous and psychotic about the smallest of things.
I think its because i want him to think i’m some chilled out and relaxed girl that he can just be equally chilled out with. I guess thats a lie on my part though. I find it very hard to be chilled out. I find it difficult to just let loose and not let every little thing bother me. I mean, sure if i’ve taken some drugs or had a few drinks, I’m as relaxed as they come. But, generally… i’m a nightmare.
My eating disorder is made up of multiple eating disorders. Its not really got a name due to that. Sometimes i will be so disgusted with myself that I will starve. I won’t eat at all. I’ll take something like cocaine to ensure that I can fight the hunger pangs. Other days I’m so depressed that nothing will make me feel better, so i eat. I will eat and eat until i’m so full I cannot move. I’ll eat till I have to make myself vomit because i’m so disgusted in the amount I ate. So why haven’t I told him this? I mean… who wants the person they love to worry profusely about them? I don’t want him to spend his time concerned that i’m unhappy with the way I look. Those insecurities put a massive strain on a relationship. A strain that i’m not prepared to test so soon.
He knows I have an issue with organising. He knows I like to know whats going on and when. What he doesn’t know is that if I dont know whats going on, or if plans change I become so psychotic. I will make up a million ridiculous scenarios in my head that drive me insane. For example, my housemate went out with her boyfriend today for a picnic in a park. We are students so we’re constantly seeking cheap dates. I asked if I could go with them (unbeknownst to me at the time that it was a date). She said yes, but you could tell from her voice she didn’t want me to (because it was a date). I instantly jump to conclusions that she hates me and that she doesn’t want to spend time with me. Another example, my partner went out with his friends, got incredibly drunk and hungover the next day. He then couldn’t drive to see me. I was expecting that he’d see me. Instantly my mind goes into overdrive and jumps to conclusions like ‘he doesn’t love me’ ‘he finds me unattractive ‘ etc. I haven’t told him these parts because … well why would I want him to know that I think such ridiculous things merely because a plan changed?!
Mental health and insecurities are not easy to discuss with anyone, especially the people you love. You don’t want them to worry about you, and don’t want your problems to be theirs. You want to be able to share everything with someone, but the thought of them truly knowing you is frightening.
So do you tell your partner about your mental health? This is a question that simply can’t be answered so easily. If you really love someone, you’ll share everything about yourself when you’re good and ready, and you’ll feel comfortable in doing so. If they really love you, they’ll appreciate you telling them and they’ll love you regardless of the problems you face each day. I know one day (providing we’re still seeing one another), I’ll be able to sit and tell him everything about myself. Right now, I am taking each and every day at a time, and giving him a piece of myself everyday until eventually, he knows everything. That will be the true test of the relationship – if I am able to tell him my deepest and most personal experiences and feelings, and if he is able to accept those and love me just the same
Until next time;
Chunky but Funky xo.
Chunky But Funky 